First and foremost, I still remember how hard is it for me to accept the fact that I've been selected to be at UM Kelantan, padahal I was the chosen one, I realised that one thing too late, my hearts was hardened than ever but thank god i still have a chance to always be grateful with what You had destined me with. Eventhough it's kind of late, but You are just way too much kind to me Ya Allah. It was hard at first, no joke, despite all the struggle and the grieve over fate for the past half months, to accept and to learn, to redha with the fate, to be at where I am to be is just simply never enough, I've learned, but I want to do better and better. I know after the spm phase, I'm going through another hard phase in my life and it's kind of devastating, but I'm still here, standing tough with what God had blessed me with in a year-- pious, lecturers, mentor, tafaqquh, husnudzon, zuhud. I've learn to be at my lowest, I've learn to be grateful, the environment, places and things over there is way too much different compared to KL, and its legit a lesson to me. It's the most humblest place I've ever been living in, and the place where I feel so much safer to live in. The place where I don't have to gain the fame, to race to be a beauty, to raise with materialistic, to deal with the dunya. I don't have to be that racer because I feel content, I love with what I'm wearing over there, I love with where I've been over there, I love with whom I'm spending time with, I love with whom I've learned all the subjects, the lecturers are just way too much kindness and humbleness in them that i couldn't find it anywhere else. I feel safe, so much safer over there. I've learn to be thankful, to realise that there always a person who way much have a difficult life than me, that there's always a person who wanted to be at my place, that there's always a person who ask for things that I grieve for now. I've learned, and I was so grateful ultimately to god. I've learned for good. 

Things might be a little bit different from kl, you know, the culture, the foods, the country and all. even the fashion sense are way so much differ, honestly sometimes I just felt like I'm a hypocrite because I tend to wear all the labuh tudung and baju over there, but all that just for awhile and wouldn't last until i'm back at kl, haha honestly i was faking myself over that time. But things people say kindly to me "takpe, hipokrit untuk Allah, Dia tahu niat kita" So that after several years, maybe you akan terbiasa with kindness and things you wearing will be much more comfortable and easier to blend with the syariah compliance style. I'm no better, alhamdulillah i'm still wearing baju labuh and I legit struggle to make my tudung covering my chest, I hope this nawaitu always on the rhythm. Cuma I was kind of missing the place where I'm free from judgemental places, judgemental people. I was easily blending in with that place, and of course, pious. I love them more that I could describe with words, weird, but simply comforting to be with them. 

Things in kelantan wasn't going really well from day one, and its kind of frustrating to get myself blending in with the place that I tend to hate so much, the place that I ask god to let me get out of it, the place where I thought would be a hell to me. Thank god, it was a temporary feelings and god saves me, He did saves me for good. From the places to the studying matter, it's all messed up. How can you accepting the fact that you will be face off fully arab in a year?? How can you wanted to be redha with the fact that you have to attend the classes that you hate?? How can you expecting that things comes from yourself?? It's almost impossible, from day one of grieving, I always thought that it was the end for me, like seriously, there's no way out, you legit have to face it off real deal the world over there. I was devastated, being tore apart and broken as hell. god knows how i grieving over the fate every single days, how i ask for calmness and acception from the deepest of my hearts, how i wanted to let me go out of here real so bad... only god knows. I have no one to grieve with, because I there's no changes, I have to accept the fact that I really have to face this shit real quick. AND GUYS, I FACE IT OFF. I LEGIT ACCEPTING ALL THE FATE AND FACE IT OFF FOR A YEAR AT THE PLACE I DON'T WANT TO BE IN, WITH THE COURSE SUBJECTS THAT I HATE, WITH THE THINGS I'M NOT EXPECTING TO LIVE WITH. It's seems almost impossible, but hey I did it? I'm proud to say I did it, thank god He did really helps me through all the obstacles and difficulties, god putting up with me a lot, eventho at times it feels unbearable but He did makes me feel bearable and tougher to get through it. I've changed a lot in terms of my judgement, perspective and expectation over things. I don't grieve too much, i started to feel grateful and the beginning of accepting the things as it is, to accept the fate that God had putting me with. When the accepting phase comes way over your life, I promise you god will grant you the gift that way much more better than your dreams, way much amazing than your hopes, because to accept is to love. To love is to be grateful with what you had, to be content with what god had blessed you with. 

I'm not a good person, i'm not pious either, i'm no better, I'm just simply an imperfect human who do mistakes,who do sins, I'm a sinner to be precise. But the fact that I'm growing up with my own life pattern by god, the fact I've going through all the places I've hated, the fact that I'm studying the things that way much differ from my dreams, really does thought me a lot. I'm no better but things happened around and I've learned. I grieve, i regret, i mad and it's hard to accept. I've learned that with all the things that happened in my life is all coming way much for a reason, I've learned to be grateful with what I had, I've learned to be thankful the experiences, I've learned to feel content with everything, I've learned to struggle the hard way, I've learned accept my fate, I've learned to appreciate people around, I've learned to learn all the lessons, that once maybe comes in a while, and it's precious. Not saying that I'm all better and all good after experiencing stuffs and all, no, but we all want to do better, of course we want to, but instead of seeking it somewhere else far from here, how about take a deep good look of your life and learn to accept. learn to love. learn to appreciate. and your life will be better, you'll be fine. Remember that a beautiful rainbow also comes out in a few seconds, we tend to get mesmerized by it a very few seconds and it's gone. same goes to our life, if we hardly accepting things around us, they might gone,and you might regret it. Always bear in mind that might be the things you love not good for you and might be the things you hate is real good for you. 

It's okay to grieve, it's normal, we're human, we're imperfect, we do mistakes, but just don't take too much time, always be on the track, always be on the rhythm so that you might not get passed with the chances that comes once in a life. Remember to always be good, be kind and be grateful. Things might not get in your way, but always get remind yourself that it will always be in His leadful and righteous way. Nah senyum! :)

Today I am going to represent the story when I am here at Kelantan, seeking for ilmu, by far. So overall, alhamdulillah lepas dpt result spm terus semangat aih isi upu padiaa pabagaii tu. Sampai taktahu nak pilih univesity mana, course apa, mmg bingung habis ah. Sebab ya laa, nak amik tesl tp English b+ jaa, tak fulfilled the requirement. Dah check pa sumaa university semua nak atleast A- time isi ni pun rasa cm nak nangis ja sebab result dah ok tapi diuji pula tak dapat A utk english. Mmg sedih tu Tuhan ja yg tahu. Rasa cm takda harapan utk future. Sbb mmg nak juga tesl, tanak benda lain. By the time tgh serabut and messed up nak pilih apa tu, mama la yg bg bagi semangat and yg byk mendorong untuk ambik foundation in islamic studies, atau anything that was related to islam, I can't accept the fate juga at first sebab mcm yela, taknak ambik benda kita tak minat. But mama convinced me as much as she wants me to take the course, and yela kita pun rasa yakin ja sbb mak kan. Rasa mcm smooth ja nak pilih papepun, so I decided utk dgr ja la ckp mama. So upu tu mmg drpd pilihan 1-10 relate dgn agama ja, syariah, quran sunnah, ilmu wahyu semua lagutu. Pastu ada juga apply for swasta dekat mmu course english juga and also for kuis. Alhamdullillah dapat, kuis tu ada interview and the date of interview is the same date as tarikh result upu. Mmg mlm tu semangat jaa prepare for the text on why you choose tesl, what do you want to be, why don't you choose another university instead of kuis and so on. The night before result upu tu, ada leaked link utk check result upu tu tau. Pastu rasa cm hesitated gak nak check ke tak sebab takut takdapat haha. Pastu p jela check. Bila chek tu, alhamdulillah dpt University Malaya, foundation in islamic studies. Tp UM dekat kelantan, hat yg dekat KL tu semua sains ja. Pastu diamkan ja result ni sampai mama habis mkn. Kita tanya la "mama, kalau kak ngah dpt University, mama nk kak ngah dpt mana?" she said "mestilah UM sbb UM kan u bagus" pastu i tanya lg "ma, kalau kak ngah dpt um mama happy tak?" and she said "mestilah" and smiling. Mcm dah greenlight ja kan dia happy hahaha. Pastu i ckp la "ma, kak ngah dapat UM" and she looked at me with a very shocked face. "YEKEEE?!!" I said yes, I already check it out. She was sooooo happy and hugging me with tears. I was as happy as her because seeing your mum happy is the best thing ever in this world, I have never seeing her as happy as that night. And so goes to my dad, he's very happy for me. And that happiness, how I wish it could be lasted till today..

The day before we have to go to Kelantan, mmg struggling siapkan semua document and whats necessary, mmg busy habis seminggu siapkan benda nak masuk university ni. Maklong punya happy I've got UM ni dia pun follow sekali pergi kelantan nak hantar kitaa, mmg dia happy sgt rasa cm semua yg ada dalam kereta tu happy. Esok pagi tu, I wear uniform baju and tudung labuh biru with a black school skirt. Debar tu Tuhan je yg tahu, rasa takut nervous semua ada. The moment I stepped onto the ground of UM I am so........... speechless. What a feeling. I couldn't tell how I felt. Rasacm confusing and so on. Dah jumpa aini and settling for the document, tetibaa rasa cm nak nangis. Taktau la napa rasa cm sebak sangat. Bila dah siap settle doc, masuk bilik pulaa. Couldn't tell you how much messy the room is, I don't know maybe I was putting too much expectation on UM, as if it was at KL. Bila dah kemas semuaa, tinggal nak salam mama ayah maklong, mmg sebak sangaat. Sebak sangaaat Tuhan ja yg tahu. sbb taktahu what would happened next kan,we didn't know how it will going. 

Bila dah kenal roommates semua mcm okay la. Ada sorang ni jah mmg rapat la sbb byk benda we share in common. And ada aini pun okay jugak. Week of orientation dlm seminggu tu mmg mental breakdown, rasa mcm down sangat2. Homesick satu hal, pastu nak make friends pun susah juga sbb yela from various kind of countries so mmg susah nak masuk, ni belum masuk bab study. So dalam week of orientation tu mmg under a lot of pressure, rasa mcm nak turning back and tak yakin dgn apa yg aku ambik ni. The seconds I saw the books yg we will be studying nanti, I was startled. ALL IN ARABIC LIKE REALLY HOW I AM GOING TO SURVIVE :(( I thought the meaning behind title pengajian islam tu is something like mcm pendidikan islam or quran sunnah in malay/jawi. But ya, it was totally beyond my expectation. That week of orientation mmg every inch of my expectation towards UM ni is literally different, and I was broken as hell.

I asked God everyday, ini ke yg terbaik untuk aku. Kalau iya yg terbaik, kenapa aku mesti lalui semua benda mcmni, kenapa kena lalui benda yg kita tak suka, tak minat and tak boleh bawak. Kenapa aku kena ada dekat tempat yg jauh drpd family and drpd semua kawan2 aku. Kenapa aku sorang ja yg dicampak dekat sini. Kenapa bukan orang lain, kenapa aku mesti ada dekat sini, kenapa mesti aku. Kenapaa, kenapaaa. I keep questioning myself sampai aku rasa give up nak study, give nak ada dekat situ, give nak ambik course ni. Serious aku rasa mcm nak keluar, and yg plg sedih aku taktau nak cite dekat siapaa. Sebab basically, when we are in secondary school ada member yg always asking you are you okay or not, are you doing well and their shoulder is where we are going to lean on. Tapi dekat sini, sumpa rasa mcm tersepit. I always sighed juga dekat aini and jah, sbb diorang pun lebih kurang aku je, tak minat and rasa mcm nak give up. So mmg surrounding aku naturally turned into negative ones which is I'm afraid I couldn't handle myself from being drown in my own thoughts. Tapi aku tak pernah sikit pun told my parents about this thing, sbb I didn't want to disappoint them, I didn't want to make them cry and I used to struggle as much as I can for them. The reason why I am still is just because of God, and for the sake of my parents.

Aku teruskan berdoa agar hati aku ni mudah nak terima semua ni. Because when we didn't have the acceptance from our hearts, then it would be areally hard thing to accept all the ilmu and knowledge from other people, mmg susah sangat nak masuk apa lecturer ajar, rasa mcm malas setan keliling sana sini rasa nak give up nak keluar nak blah. Susah bila hati tak terima, semua benda jadi susah nak terima. Apatah lagi ilmu, kita tak ada keredhaan dari dalam hati terhadap takdir Tuhan, jadi semua jadi tak kena. Benda sikit pun nak marah, benda simple dia ajar pun jadi susah. Jadi aku teruskan berdoa, berdoa, asking for God to open up my hearts to accept all these, really it's harder than I thought. Tapi lama2 tu, aku meredhkan juga diri aku, cuba belajar untuk menerima, aku muhasabah balik kenapa Tuhan letak aku dekat sini, walaupun aku still tak berapa nak ikhlas, tapi aku cuba. And sebab aku yakin, Tuhan faham jadi aku teruskan langkah aku dekat sini. Walaupun kekdg malas juga nak belajar, nak study, and come back to where I was bila tak redha tu, aku akan cepat2 istighfar and igt misi aku, lillahi ta'ala dan untuk mama ayah.