Today I am going to represent the story when I am here at Kelantan, seeking for ilmu, by far. So overall, alhamdulillah lepas dpt result spm terus semangat aih isi upu padiaa pabagaii tu. Sampai taktahu nak pilih univesity mana, course apa, mmg bingung habis ah. Sebab ya laa, nak amik tesl tp English b+ jaa, tak fulfilled the requirement. Dah check pa sumaa university semua nak atleast A- time isi ni pun rasa cm nak nangis ja sebab result dah ok tapi diuji pula tak dapat A utk english. Mmg sedih tu Tuhan ja yg tahu. Rasa cm takda harapan utk future. Sbb mmg nak juga tesl, tanak benda lain. By the time tgh serabut and messed up nak pilih apa tu, mama la yg bg bagi semangat and yg byk mendorong untuk ambik foundation in islamic studies, atau anything that was related to islam, I can't accept the fate juga at first sebab mcm yela, taknak ambik benda kita tak minat. But mama convinced me as much as she wants me to take the course, and yela kita pun rasa yakin ja sbb mak kan. Rasa mcm smooth ja nak pilih papepun, so I decided utk dgr ja la ckp mama. So upu tu mmg drpd pilihan 1-10 relate dgn agama ja, syariah, quran sunnah, ilmu wahyu semua lagutu. Pastu ada juga apply for swasta dekat mmu course english juga and also for kuis. Alhamdullillah dapat, kuis tu ada interview and the date of interview is the same date as tarikh result upu. Mmg mlm tu semangat jaa prepare for the text on why you choose tesl, what do you want to be, why don't you choose another university instead of kuis and so on. The night before result upu tu, ada leaked link utk check result upu tu tau. Pastu rasa cm hesitated gak nak check ke tak sebab takut takdapat haha. Pastu p jela check. Bila chek tu, alhamdulillah dpt University Malaya, foundation in islamic studies. Tp UM dekat kelantan, hat yg dekat KL tu semua sains ja. Pastu diamkan ja result ni sampai mama habis mkn. Kita tanya la "mama, kalau kak ngah dpt University, mama nk kak ngah dpt mana?" she said "mestilah UM sbb UM kan u bagus" pastu i tanya lg "ma, kalau kak ngah dpt um mama happy tak?" and she said "mestilah" and smiling. Mcm dah greenlight ja kan dia happy hahaha. Pastu i ckp la "ma, kak ngah dapat UM" and she looked at me with a very shocked face. "YEKEEE?!!" I said yes, I already check it out. She was sooooo happy and hugging me with tears. I was as happy as her because seeing your mum happy is the best thing ever in this world, I have never seeing her as happy as that night. And so goes to my dad, he's very happy for me. And that happiness, how I wish it could be lasted till today..

The day before we have to go to Kelantan, mmg struggling siapkan semua document and whats necessary, mmg busy habis seminggu siapkan benda nak masuk university ni. Maklong punya happy I've got UM ni dia pun follow sekali pergi kelantan nak hantar kitaa, mmg dia happy sgt rasa cm semua yg ada dalam kereta tu happy. Esok pagi tu, I wear uniform baju and tudung labuh biru with a black school skirt. Debar tu Tuhan je yg tahu, rasa takut nervous semua ada. The moment I stepped onto the ground of UM I am so........... speechless. What a feeling. I couldn't tell how I felt. Rasacm confusing and so on. Dah jumpa aini and settling for the document, tetibaa rasa cm nak nangis. Taktau la napa rasa cm sebak sangat. Bila dah siap settle doc, masuk bilik pulaa. Couldn't tell you how much messy the room is, I don't know maybe I was putting too much expectation on UM, as if it was at KL. Bila dah kemas semuaa, tinggal nak salam mama ayah maklong, mmg sebak sangaat. Sebak sangaaat Tuhan ja yg tahu. sbb taktahu what would happened next kan,we didn't know how it will going. 

Bila dah kenal roommates semua mcm okay la. Ada sorang ni jah mmg rapat la sbb byk benda we share in common. And ada aini pun okay jugak. Week of orientation dlm seminggu tu mmg mental breakdown, rasa mcm down sangat2. Homesick satu hal, pastu nak make friends pun susah juga sbb yela from various kind of countries so mmg susah nak masuk, ni belum masuk bab study. So dalam week of orientation tu mmg under a lot of pressure, rasa mcm nak turning back and tak yakin dgn apa yg aku ambik ni. The seconds I saw the books yg we will be studying nanti, I was startled. ALL IN ARABIC LIKE REALLY HOW I AM GOING TO SURVIVE :(( I thought the meaning behind title pengajian islam tu is something like mcm pendidikan islam or quran sunnah in malay/jawi. But ya, it was totally beyond my expectation. That week of orientation mmg every inch of my expectation towards UM ni is literally different, and I was broken as hell.

I asked God everyday, ini ke yg terbaik untuk aku. Kalau iya yg terbaik, kenapa aku mesti lalui semua benda mcmni, kenapa kena lalui benda yg kita tak suka, tak minat and tak boleh bawak. Kenapa aku kena ada dekat tempat yg jauh drpd family and drpd semua kawan2 aku. Kenapa aku sorang ja yg dicampak dekat sini. Kenapa bukan orang lain, kenapa aku mesti ada dekat sini, kenapa mesti aku. Kenapaa, kenapaaa. I keep questioning myself sampai aku rasa give up nak study, give nak ada dekat situ, give nak ambik course ni. Serious aku rasa mcm nak keluar, and yg plg sedih aku taktau nak cite dekat siapaa. Sebab basically, when we are in secondary school ada member yg always asking you are you okay or not, are you doing well and their shoulder is where we are going to lean on. Tapi dekat sini, sumpa rasa mcm tersepit. I always sighed juga dekat aini and jah, sbb diorang pun lebih kurang aku je, tak minat and rasa mcm nak give up. So mmg surrounding aku naturally turned into negative ones which is I'm afraid I couldn't handle myself from being drown in my own thoughts. Tapi aku tak pernah sikit pun told my parents about this thing, sbb I didn't want to disappoint them, I didn't want to make them cry and I used to struggle as much as I can for them. The reason why I am still is just because of God, and for the sake of my parents.

Aku teruskan berdoa agar hati aku ni mudah nak terima semua ni. Because when we didn't have the acceptance from our hearts, then it would be areally hard thing to accept all the ilmu and knowledge from other people, mmg susah sangat nak masuk apa lecturer ajar, rasa mcm malas setan keliling sana sini rasa nak give up nak keluar nak blah. Susah bila hati tak terima, semua benda jadi susah nak terima. Apatah lagi ilmu, kita tak ada keredhaan dari dalam hati terhadap takdir Tuhan, jadi semua jadi tak kena. Benda sikit pun nak marah, benda simple dia ajar pun jadi susah. Jadi aku teruskan berdoa, berdoa, asking for God to open up my hearts to accept all these, really it's harder than I thought. Tapi lama2 tu, aku meredhkan juga diri aku, cuba belajar untuk menerima, aku muhasabah balik kenapa Tuhan letak aku dekat sini, walaupun aku still tak berapa nak ikhlas, tapi aku cuba. And sebab aku yakin, Tuhan faham jadi aku teruskan langkah aku dekat sini. Walaupun kekdg malas juga nak belajar, nak study, and come back to where I was bila tak redha tu, aku akan cepat2 istighfar and igt misi aku, lillahi ta'ala dan untuk mama ayah.