First and foremost, I still remember how hard is it for me to accept the fact that I've been selected to be at UM Kelantan, padahal I was the chosen one, I realised that one thing too late, my hearts was hardened than ever but thank god i still have a chance to always be grateful with what You had destined me with. Eventhough it's kind of late, but You are just way too much kind to me Ya Allah. It was hard at first, no joke, despite all the struggle and the grieve over fate for the past half months, to accept and to learn, to redha with the fate, to be at where I am to be is just simply never enough, I've learned, but I want to do better and better. I know after the spm phase, I'm going through another hard phase in my life and it's kind of devastating, but I'm still here, standing tough with what God had blessed me with in a year-- pious, lecturers, mentor, tafaqquh, husnudzon, zuhud. I've learn to be at my lowest, I've learn to be grateful, the environment, places and things over there is way too much different compared to KL, and its legit a lesson to me. It's the most humblest place I've ever been living in, and the place where I feel so much safer to live in. The place where I don't have to gain the fame, to race to be a beauty, to raise with materialistic, to deal with the dunya. I don't have to be that racer because I feel content, I love with what I'm wearing over there, I love with where I've been over there, I love with whom I'm spending time with, I love with whom I've learned all the subjects, the lecturers are just way too much kindness and humbleness in them that i couldn't find it anywhere else. I feel safe, so much safer over there. I've learn to be thankful, to realise that there always a person who way much have a difficult life than me, that there's always a person who wanted to be at my place, that there's always a person who ask for things that I grieve for now. I've learned, and I was so grateful ultimately to god. I've learned for good. 

Things might be a little bit different from kl, you know, the culture, the foods, the country and all. even the fashion sense are way so much differ, honestly sometimes I just felt like I'm a hypocrite because I tend to wear all the labuh tudung and baju over there, but all that just for awhile and wouldn't last until i'm back at kl, haha honestly i was faking myself over that time. But things people say kindly to me "takpe, hipokrit untuk Allah, Dia tahu niat kita" So that after several years, maybe you akan terbiasa with kindness and things you wearing will be much more comfortable and easier to blend with the syariah compliance style. I'm no better, alhamdulillah i'm still wearing baju labuh and I legit struggle to make my tudung covering my chest, I hope this nawaitu always on the rhythm. Cuma I was kind of missing the place where I'm free from judgemental places, judgemental people. I was easily blending in with that place, and of course, pious. I love them more that I could describe with words, weird, but simply comforting to be with them. 

Things in kelantan wasn't going really well from day one, and its kind of frustrating to get myself blending in with the place that I tend to hate so much, the place that I ask god to let me get out of it, the place where I thought would be a hell to me. Thank god, it was a temporary feelings and god saves me, He did saves me for good. From the places to the studying matter, it's all messed up. How can you accepting the fact that you will be face off fully arab in a year?? How can you wanted to be redha with the fact that you have to attend the classes that you hate?? How can you expecting that things comes from yourself?? It's almost impossible, from day one of grieving, I always thought that it was the end for me, like seriously, there's no way out, you legit have to face it off real deal the world over there. I was devastated, being tore apart and broken as hell. god knows how i grieving over the fate every single days, how i ask for calmness and acception from the deepest of my hearts, how i wanted to let me go out of here real so bad... only god knows. I have no one to grieve with, because I there's no changes, I have to accept the fact that I really have to face this shit real quick. AND GUYS, I FACE IT OFF. I LEGIT ACCEPTING ALL THE FATE AND FACE IT OFF FOR A YEAR AT THE PLACE I DON'T WANT TO BE IN, WITH THE COURSE SUBJECTS THAT I HATE, WITH THE THINGS I'M NOT EXPECTING TO LIVE WITH. It's seems almost impossible, but hey I did it? I'm proud to say I did it, thank god He did really helps me through all the obstacles and difficulties, god putting up with me a lot, eventho at times it feels unbearable but He did makes me feel bearable and tougher to get through it. I've changed a lot in terms of my judgement, perspective and expectation over things. I don't grieve too much, i started to feel grateful and the beginning of accepting the things as it is, to accept the fate that God had putting me with. When the accepting phase comes way over your life, I promise you god will grant you the gift that way much more better than your dreams, way much amazing than your hopes, because to accept is to love. To love is to be grateful with what you had, to be content with what god had blessed you with. 

I'm not a good person, i'm not pious either, i'm no better, I'm just simply an imperfect human who do mistakes,who do sins, I'm a sinner to be precise. But the fact that I'm growing up with my own life pattern by god, the fact I've going through all the places I've hated, the fact that I'm studying the things that way much differ from my dreams, really does thought me a lot. I'm no better but things happened around and I've learned. I grieve, i regret, i mad and it's hard to accept. I've learned that with all the things that happened in my life is all coming way much for a reason, I've learned to be grateful with what I had, I've learned to be thankful the experiences, I've learned to feel content with everything, I've learned to struggle the hard way, I've learned accept my fate, I've learned to appreciate people around, I've learned to learn all the lessons, that once maybe comes in a while, and it's precious. Not saying that I'm all better and all good after experiencing stuffs and all, no, but we all want to do better, of course we want to, but instead of seeking it somewhere else far from here, how about take a deep good look of your life and learn to accept. learn to love. learn to appreciate. and your life will be better, you'll be fine. Remember that a beautiful rainbow also comes out in a few seconds, we tend to get mesmerized by it a very few seconds and it's gone. same goes to our life, if we hardly accepting things around us, they might gone,and you might regret it. Always bear in mind that might be the things you love not good for you and might be the things you hate is real good for you. 

It's okay to grieve, it's normal, we're human, we're imperfect, we do mistakes, but just don't take too much time, always be on the track, always be on the rhythm so that you might not get passed with the chances that comes once in a life. Remember to always be good, be kind and be grateful. Things might not get in your way, but always get remind yourself that it will always be in His leadful and righteous way. Nah senyum! :)